Info

Advertisement-free publication finding meaning in the ordinary. Nothing is really routine.

 

  • seeing_cover
  • seeing_fruits
  • seeing_table
  • seeing_eggyks
  • seeing_words
  • seeing_gochnours
  • seeing_jonathan
  • seeing_listening
  • seeing_editor
  • seeing_quote
  • seeing_insidecvr

view new spring issue, number 21
Happiness may be found by realizing, in the most common ways, what we already have. What we do every day with one another and how we treat one another in the common hour has a profound effect on our overall communal and personal happiness. The experiences, insights, and images in Issue 21 help to see higher purposes and meaning in everything we do.
order subscription here 

 

We have had a tremendous response to our “don’t-get-mad-get-the-camera” promotion. Thanks to all who have shared their thoughts and provided submissions. “Don’t get mad. Get the camera!” is helping many of us keep perspective in those unexpected moments of childhood explorations that leave us with the choice to laugh or cry. We have appreciated hearing from so many of you and learning about how potentially disastrous experiences have led to laughs and enduring connections.

We randomly selected five submissions to receive a one-year gift subscription to Seeing the Everyday magazine. The winning entries are included here – we hope you enjoy them as we have, and thank you all for your participation. Perhaps we will more frequently say, “Don’t get mad. Get the camera!”

Winning Submissions: Text and Images

Jennifer Lambert /

My little budding make-up artist got mommy’s expensive lipstick and covered her entire face, plus a big portion of the carpet.

JenniferLambert

 

Emily Russ /

We were driving to Vermont to go camping over the 4th of July. The babies had finally fallen asleep, and we were driving along quietly. Johnny and I were talking, and I said, “I can smell peanut butter… that’s weird.” About a minute later I realized that I had set the basket full of our camping food on the back seat next to Lila. I turned around to find this…

EmilyRuss_01 EmilyRuss_02 EmilyRuss_03
We pulled over at the next gas station, and I took her into the bathroom to try and clean her up a little. Luckily there was a shower in there so I stripped her down and scrubbed. I don’t think we’ll ever quite get the peanut butter smell out of her car seat though.

 

Alan Soelberg /

Good thing she is so cute. Don’t Get Mad. Get the Camera!

AlanSoelberg

 

Jamie Gewand /

My 3-year-old, Ava, was tired of her little sister climbing onto the table to dip her fingers into Ava’s yogurt – so she dumped some of the yogurt onto her sister’s head. As you can see by the look on her face, I grabbed the camera but was not letting them see my amusement!!

JamieGewand

 

Laura Nelson /

This photo was taken one day when my husband and I were gathering up our children to take a meal to friends who had just returned from adopting two children in Russia. I had the baby, but couldn’t find the boys, who were 3 and 2, when I realized they were in their room with the lights off. I opened the door, was overwhelmed with the smell of baby powder, and flicked on the lights. Through the haze of white powder, I saw my boys like this…

LauraNelson

see21_get_camera

Young children are naturally curious as they grow and learn to explore the world around them. Their investigative minds may see the wonder of flour being spilled onto the kitchen floor for finger drawings, or discover in mom’s makeup bag a new set of art tools for the bathroom sink or mirror. As adults, we might come upon such situations in shock and think immediately of the required clean-up or replacement cost for anything potentially ruined. We may feel exasperated in such moments—particularly with our above-average explorers who seem to frequently find themselves in similar circumstances.

Katie Miller shared a wonderful solution to defusing frustration or anger as young children are learning. When Katie was young and would get into a big mess or sticky situation, her mother, instead of reacting harshly, chose to laugh and get out the camera. Such instances were so frequent that they became known as those “don’t-get-mad-get-the-camera” moments, and the evidence is enshrined throughout old photo albums. As a mother herself, Katie has practiced getting out the camera, and she reports that it has saved many hurt words and harsh tones from her children’s ears, preventing unnecessary divisions.

Katie’s suggestion has benefited us, and we are passing it along in hopes that it can be of value for you as well. We would love to hear about your don’t-get-mad-get-the-camera experiences! Post your photos along with a brief description on our Facebook timeline, or send them to promos@seeingtheeveryday.com. We will be collecting photos and descriptions throughout the month of March, and at the end of the month, we will randomly select five contributors for a free one-year subscription for themselves or for a friend.

Note: Katie Miller’s story, “Don’t get mad. Get the camera!” will be published in the spring 2013 Issue No 21. To receive your copy, order a subscription here by March 19.

see20_patience
Against doctors’ suggestions that Ilene would require institutionalized medical attention, a mother’s earnest patience and love keep the family together. Ilene’s daily ways invite her family to learn compassion and to delight in her life regardless of the challenges.

“She was six years old, stick thin, and non-communicative except for the fluttering of her little hands to indicate contentment or interest. She still wore diapers, like her two younger sisters, but the most pressing problem for Mom was that my sister wouldn’t eat. She simply refused all food of any kind but one: Mom’s homemade wheat bread. And so she survived for years on just bread, spending hours every day in a high chair with Mother coaxing, encouraging, and tempting her with every type of food—even desserts—without success. Sometimes Mom would sit for long periods of time very close to my sister, trying all of the strategies common to parents to persuade her to try just a tiny taste, but there was zero curiosity or even attention paid by my sister. Other times, Mom worked busily about (making more bread and butter!) with frequent glances to assure herself that my sister was eating her bread and fluttering her hands.

What stands out above all in my memory is the earnest, deliberate, enduring patience. At the time it didn’t seem remarkable; life is simply what it is to a young teen. Sometimes the canvas of one’s memory is underscored by the shadows of what didn’t happen as well as the colors of daily lived events. The portrait that surfaces is not punctuated with exasperated outbursts—no slamming down the high chair tray in frustration or firmly setting my sister down out of the high chair amid expressions of desperation. But the blackest of shadows had been cast in the background of our hearts: the doctors telling Mom that my sister would have to go away, to an institution, that the time would eventually come when Mom’s love and patience simply would not be enough.

Often, Mother’s voice was tremulous as she prayed that my sister would eat, but fear never forced her patience to retreat nor blurred her focus on the fact that my sister was, in fact, serving our family in a remarkable way. Daily, my sister invited us to learn compassion and kindheartedness, to invest in service, and to delight in her life regardless of the challenges. Mother modeled these qualities for us in her angelic ministrations so well that I was startled to hear someone refer to my sister as severely mentally handicapped. She brought so much joy and laughter, and Mom contributed such grace and love that our home was blessed with happiness together. And my sister never had to go away.”

By Marlene Hinton

Seeing the Everyday Issue No 20
Available at Barnes & Noble or by contacting us.

heart_cookies

For decades researchers have explored what is at the core of the best marriages. While studies have found many factors that predict stable, happy marriages, research has converged on an unexpected and rather prosaic, primary factor: friendship, not romance.[1]

World premier marriage scholar John Gottman summarizes more than two decades of research and dozens of studies in stating that “the simple truth [is] that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”[2] Gottman believes that in good marriages, couples achieve an intimate familiarity with each other’s quirks, desires, fears, aspirations, and habits. They express this knowledge in big and little ways: “When she orders him a salad, she knows to ask for the dressing on the side. If she works late, he’ll tape her favorite TV show because he knows which one it is and when it’s on. . . . Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?”[3]

Creating and sustaining true marital friendship requires daily action. Effortless relationships are a myth. The principle of entropy operates in our social world as much as in our physical world; things get disorderly and fall apart if we don’t put energy into the system regularly. Regular date nights are a good idea, but even better are daily moments of reconnection in the home and staying in touch with each other’s concerns, worries, and little victories. Marriage educators recommend carving out space each day for friendship, even creating daily rituals that preserve and protect the time that couples need to be best friends.[4]

Of course, different couples will find different ways to create daily time at home. The lesson that we all must learn is that friendship is sustained in slower time, with direct attention, in various ways. Normal time these days is fast and getting faster.[5] If we are casual rather than intentional in our relationships, we are at risk for creating a “time famine” that starves our relationships of the sustaining nourishment of friendship.[6]

Further, friendship most likely sustains a marriage through the rough times. A marriage and a family are rescued not by a passionate love scene and an idealistic dream but by friendship and the prosaic connections formed in the plain, ordinary work of everyday life at home.

By sustaining real friendship from day to day, relationships will have the wherewithal to last a lifetime. This marital friendship also creates a “tranquilizing effect,” a sense of well-being and inner peace which researchers attribute, in part, to the longer lives and better health married couple experience.[7] The prosaic marriage is centered in the home and its normal, everyday routines. Hollywood may not find it alluring. But in Harrisburg, it’s what keeps the home fires burning.

 

Abstract from “The Prosaic Marriage” by Alan J. Hawkins, Elizabeth B. Fawcett, & Elizabeth VanDenBerghe in Seeing the Everyday no. 4, pp. 106-113. Available by contacting us.


[1] T. N. Bradbury, F. D. Fincham, and S. R. H. Beach (2000), Research on the nature and determinants of marital satisfaction: A decade in review, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 964–980.

[2] J. M. Gottman and N. Silver (1999), The seven principles for making marriage work (New York: Crown Books), 19–20, 48.

[3] Gottman and Silver (1999).

[4] W. J. Doherty (2001), Take back your marriage (New York: Guilford).

[5] J. Gleick (1999), Faster (New York: Pantheon Books). A. R. Hochschild (1997), The time bind (New York: Metropolitan Books).

[6] Doherty (2001). K. J. Daly (1996), Families and time (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage).

[7] J. J. Lynch (1979), The broken heart: The medical consequences of loneliness (New York: Basic).

see20_meg

Born with congenital double kidneys, Debbie McNaughton faced frequent high fevers and infections growing up—she was a constant concern for her parents, who moved her to their room to fully attend to her at night. When her fever would spike, her mother would wipe her forehead with a cool cloth as her father held her in his arms until sleep overcame her. Through years of worry and hospital visits, her parents never left her side.

At age eight, a pediatric surgeon invented a new surgical procedure to correct Debbie’s kidneys. Despite the hardship of hospital visits and surgery, Debbie describes how “Feeling their concern and strength gave me the courage to face adversity then and throughout my life. My parents’ devotion became a pattern for me to follow in my own unexpected challenges of motherhood.”

Debbie’s daughter Meg was born two months premature and diagnosed eighteen months later with cerebral palsy. She is non-verbal and uses a communication device for speech and a power wheel chair for mobility. Though the challenges of cerebral palsy caused natural mourning for the dreams Debbie had envisioned for her daughter, she has let go of those imaginings. Her love for Meg, instilled at her birth, continually deepens as they face a life of daily struggles and joys in their successes together. Debbie draws on the devotion and courage of her father and mother, and Meg, because of Debbie’s dedication to her, has survived to become a beautiful woman, with amazing strength and determination. They have changed one another and left enduring impressions on all who know them. Debbie reflects, “Each day when I look at Meg’s smile, I become a strengthened woman, a fighter, a focused advocate, persistent, devoted; more and more akin to those personal attributes I dearly felt from my own parents.”

Read more about Debbie and Meg in Debbie’s article, “My Daughter Meg,” in Seeing the Everyday no. 20, pp. 24-27. Available at Barnes & Noble or by contacting us.

see18_fence

“We ordered subscriptions for all of our hearing centers nationwide. Our business is about helping people enjoy what’s really important to them—like conversations with loved ones. Seeing the Everyday underscores everything we are trying to help our patients recapture. It reminds our patients, and even our staff, that what really counts are the simple things—the human connections. Calming, profound, and beautifully executed, this magazine prods us to recognize the goodness around us and celebrate our part in it.”

Greg Wells / Director of Marketing 
AccuQuest Hearing Centers

 
 

see20_katy

Less than a year ago, Micah and Katy Lillrose’s 18-month-old son stopped walking, and, after an MRI, was whisked off to emergency surgery to remove a tumor that was compressing his spinal cord. Within a week, little Emmett was then diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive brain tumor.

This life-altering event for the Lillrose family led them to return to Katy’s hometown in Boston, where a local medical institute could provide Emmett his best chance at life. Katy describes how being in the home where she grew up has strengthened her in trying circumstances.

Katy says, “There are many hard things right now and many things I don’t want to do. But I try not to complain. I try not to worry. I roll up my sleeves as we spend night after night in the hospital and long days in the clinic, deal with good news and bad news, and make many life-altering choices based on little to no data. We consult with the doctors, make the best decision we can, and move forward. Instead of worrying about what might happen six months from now, we have learned to enjoy the small things day to day, like Emmett learning new words or learning to walk again or taking a bite of food. We find great joy in these small victories and take lots of pictures of him. My mom’s strength has served as an example to me to work hard and do what’s in my control, then enjoy life with a positive attitude and not focus on the elements over which I have no control.”

Read more about Katy’s experience in her article, “Steadiness,” in Seeing the Everyday no. 20, pp. 80-83. Subscriptions and renewals ordered by January 30 will receive issue no. 20.

Last winter a reader called and shared her appreciation for how the magazine was benefiting her and her family. During our conversation, she noted how helpful it would be to have an issue dedicated to parents who have children with disabilities. She and a number of parents in her community have children with various challenges, and she described the loneliness that they often feel in working through their particular circumstances.

Since our conversation, we have been reaching out to families who have or have had children with disabilities, including lost sight and hearing, Down syndrome, cancer, and autism. Their experiences vary significantly from one another, yet each one carries two similar threads: near constant challenges with almost imperceptible progress, and deep appreciation for life and for one another.

We feel we came to know these individuals and how their parents assisted in bringing out their remarkable gifts. We learned about the special gifts of Thad, whose influence forged compassion, optimism, and hope in his brother; how Ilene helped her sister find deeper joy in making another person happy; and Devin, who taught his father that work is more about developing a person than accomplishing a task. The individuals in these articles remind us that every person brings distinct gifts to their family and to the world about them. We find those gifts when we take the time to notice.

Discovering and building one another can be challenging on a day-to-day basis, particularly when the progress is intangible and without an end in sight. Perhaps what is so remarkable about the individuals and families in this issue is that they provide perspective amid ever-present difficulties. One mother, whose two children have autism, faces days that are more difficult than she could have ever imagined, days that are overwhelming. Yet, she dries her tears and moves ahead, just like all parents who face the choice to give up or to find hope and renewed perspective in their surrounding challenges.

Together, we find great strength in considering the tasks and joys ahead, in recognizing the difference others have made on us, and what our own efforts will do for our children and the generations to follow. We hope you find your own story as you read about the ordinary yet remarkable people within this issue of Seeing the Everyday.

All new subscriptions and renewals ordered by January 30 will receive issue no. 20. We look forward to you receiving your copy.